Love is a Verb

Love is an art form that must be continually refined and practiced.   

Parashat Va’etchanan / Shabbat Nachamu 5770

In one of my favorite scenes in Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the milkman asks his wife Golda this very simple question: “do you love me?”  To which she very romantically answers, “do I what!?” 

To modern audiences it might seem like a silly question.  In an open and free society like the one we live in, we take for granted that love is an individual decision that stems from romantic feelings.  But Fiddler is a reminder that it wasn’t too long ago that arranged marriages were common in many Jewish communities as well as in other traditional cultures. 

When we think about our ancient ancestors and the texts we inherited from them, the theme of romantic love does not usually come to mind.  There are only a few examples of romance that stand out in the Torah.  But the truth is that love is very important in Judaism.  In fact we have a day set aside for celebrating love. 

According to the Mishna (Taanit Ch. 4), during the time of the 2^nd Temple, the 15^th Day of Av (Tu B’Av) was a day set aside for romance.  Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel recounts that on Tu B’Av, under the warm glow of a full summer moon, the young women of Israel would go out of the city walls dressed in white and dance in the vineyards calling to the young men to choose their bride. 

We know very little historically about Tu B’Av and it fell out of practice after the destruction of the Temple, but in recent decades this day has been revived in modern Israel as the Jewish day of romance (kind of like Valentine’s Day). 

It’s interesting to me that this joyous day comes right after the saddest day of the Jewish year – Tisha B’Av.   On the 9^th of Av we mark the destruction of the 1^st and 2^nd Temples, the massacre of Jewish martyrs, and a number of calamities that have befallen our people over the centuries; but just 6 days later we have a celebration of love.  It was also on the 9^th of Av, according to tradition, that the Spies returned a negative report about the Land of Israel and God condemned the generation that had left Egypt to wander in the wilderness; but on the 15^th of Av, 40 years later, the Israelites were given permission to enter the Promised Land. 

I don’t think it is a coincidence then, that Tu B’Av – the day of love – falls during the week we read Parshat Etchanan.  Love figures in very centrally to this week’s parsha in which Moses admonishes the people to follow God’s mitzvot and live up to God’s standards when they settle the Land of Israel.  He recounts how we witnessed God at the foot of Mount Sinai (called Horev in the Book of Deuteronomy) and how we received the 10 Commandments. 

This parsha also contains one of the most famous passages in Torah – recognized by almost any Jew.  “Shma Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Ehad.”  The Shma and the paragraph known as “V’ahavta” are taken from Chapter 6 of the book of Deuteronomy.  This section is essentially a sermon on the first commandment, which is to know that there is One God and to Love God.  “Shma Yisrael – Hear, O Israel!  Adonai is our God, Adonai is One.  You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you have.”

The most well-known Mitzvah – to Love God – is also one of the most enigmatic.  How can love be commanded?  How can God demand our love?  The reason this commandment seems odd to us is that we’ve been raised in a culture in which love is thought of as a noun – an emotion or sentiment that one feels.  But for God, love is a verb – love is something you do.  It is true that emotions cannot simply be commanded, but we can be instructed to act in loving ways. 

Let’s consider the first line of V’ahavta because from it we can learn about what the Torah means by love.  “V’ahavta – You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart (b’chol levavcha)…”  Our ancestors believed that the heart was the seat of intellect and will.  Therefore, to love God with our heart means to love with intention – with all our thoughts and desires.  The Hasidic Rabbi known as the Sfat Emet says that loving God with our heart means directing our impulses and drives (both noble and base) to God so that everything we do is imbued with holiness.

“u’v’chol naf’shecha - With all your soul…”  The word nefesh in the Torah is often translated as “soul” but it really means “life.”  Love God with your life.  Basing himself on the Talmud (Ber. 54a, 61b) the commentator Rashi says that loving God with your Nefesh means being willing to give even your very life for God.  When you truly love someone, you have to be willing to give of yourself.  It takes a commitment of the heart, but also a commitment of self.

“u’v’chol me’odecha”  This is usually translated as “with all your might.”  The word “me’od” is really a measure of quantity, so the traditional understanding of this phrase is that loving God “b’chol me’odecha” means loving God with all you own and all you have.  It means not only the willingness to give something intangible – like your time and effort.  This means quite literally to give what you have to God.  Sometimes loving relationships call on us to really give to another what is precious to us. 

The paradigm for loving God also applies to all the loving relationships in our lives.  Loving other people cannot simply be a sentiment we hold in our hearts.  The romantic impulse that draws us to another person is not enough to sustain a relationship.  The Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm (perhaps drawing on his Jewish roots) also observed that true love is not a passive feeling but rather an art we must cultivate and practice. 

It isn’t easy for me to talk about this subject.  I like to think of myself as a pretty good husband and father, but I’m as guilty as anyone of being lazy when it comes to what Fromm called The Art of Loving.  It’s so easy to forget that love is a verb – something you have to do and sustain.   But that’s the point.  One of the lessons of parashat Etchanan is that God would not have to command Love if it were easy to do.  Think about it: Moses is speaking to the generation that experienced God’s salvation from Egypt, saw the plagues and the miracles God did, and actually encountered God face to face at Mount Sinai.  You might think that they would have no trouble loving God.  But God understand that love is not easy.  So we shouldn’t beat ourselves up when we falter in our attempts to love another.  Through love of God, the Torah gives us a paradigm for life.  Or, as Fromm put it “Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.”

So this Sunday night and Monday (on the 15^th of Av) do something loving for someone you love; and let this day – like the Sh’ma we recite day and night – serve as a time to refine your skill in the art of loving.  Take an opportunity to go beyond the feeling of love that you hold inside and instead remember that love is verb.